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Personal Stories from Women ...
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A GOOD WOMAN
By Karly Rauchelle
I
have been thinking about what makes a good woman. What does she look
like? What does she act like? How does she function in a relationship?
Personally,
I have been asking lately – “who the hell would get married??”. Having
just come out of a marriage (well ok, I didn’t really “come out of” it,
my husband died) it’s a real eye opener for me to see just how much
compromising has to go on in a relationship. People can’t seem to make
decisions on their own, they have to ask their partner and get back to
me. Or it seems to be a constant battle for control, or even for
self-respect.
I hired a handyman once. One day he was a perfectly
capable man, doing the job I hired him to do, making decent
conversation, just being normal. The next day he brought his wife with
him. All of a sudden he couldn’t speak for himself. His wife asserted
herself as being ‘in charge’ straight away, informing me of when they
would be leaving (when he had told me the day before he was staying
until the job was done). His posture was visibly slumped compared to
the day before. When I offered him coffee (which he loved the day
before) his wife cut in and answered for him, saying they had their own
food and drinks. When it came time to wind up our business arrangement
and talk about payment she stepped in and refused to let me talk to him.
In the end she undercut him over $100.00 because she said what I
offered was too much.
Why do women do this to their men? And why do men put up with it?
We
see it in sit-coms all the time. The women who continuously correct or
parent their partner; “honey don’t say that”, “you don’t need to eat
that”, “say hello when you’re spoken to”, “why are you ordering that?”,
and on and on it goes. It’s everywhere in real life too, and it’s seen
as normal. Imagine how uncomfortable it would be going out for dinner
with a couple when the man acts like this towards his female partner?
He would be seen as being abusive. But when a woman is over-controlling
it’s ‘normal’.
Some women seem to complain that their men won’t
“do” anything, but are the first to badger and hover until “doing”
becomes unbearable for the person they are trying to control and so they
stop trying to do things.
Then there are the women who constantly
put men down. They make jokes about men in front of their friends,
partners and sons, “typical man”, “men are pigs”, “he’s not the sharpest
tool in the shed but he can lift heavy things”. Our culture accepts,
and even encourages, man bashing.
Wives control what men say, what
they do, when they do it, and who they do it with. Is this what makes a
successful marriage? I held back on a lot of what I really wanted to
say about things my husband did. My husband took his own life after we
argued about him using drugs. He used ecstasy one Friday night and
killed himself on Monday after a weekend of tension. If I had have
‘kept him on a leash’ and demanded he’d stayed home with me and the kids
that Friday night would we still be going strong? Would he still be
alive?
Is it a woman’s role to parent and control their male
partner? Are women forced to behave like their partner’s mother
because men are just not capable of being sensible or responsible? I am
looking around for examples to help me answer these questions, but all I
see is a repeat of the same weird relationship patterns.
So, a
portrait of a good woman is something I might have to pull out of thin
air. I would like to think that a good woman is the same as a good man.
Secure in herself, with a commitment to knowing herself and working
out any ‘kinks’ (like we will all always have) in a responsible way
without dumping them on her partner. She knows that she is responsible
for her own happiness, and knows how to ask for what she wants in a
clear way without being aggressive, passive aggressive, or sulky.
In
a relationship she can support her partner, and isn’t threatened by his
happiness. She doesn’t try to change her partner, because she knows
that nobody is perfect, and because she has chosen wisely in the first
place and knows that essentially her man is aligned with her values.
She trusts him for this reason as well. She understands that her
partner is an individual, not an extension of herself, and that he is
fully capable of making his own decisions, speaking for himself, cooking
and cleaning for himself, and contributing to the household and the
family in his own way. She respects him as a father and gives him space
to parent how he wants to, even if it’s different to how she parents.
She
is not a Stepford Wife; she is her own person, with her own passions.
She is not a slave; she doesn’t drive herself to the edge of a nervous
breakdown by martyring herself and claiming to be able to do everything
alone. Mrs Goodwoman is not a doormat, and can put a boundary down
while still being respectful. If she does err on the side of irrational
(because she is human) she can apologise without self-destructing. She
is accepting of her dark side, and comfortable with her own
vulnerability, and lets her partner in when either of them needs
intimacy.
To me, this would be a great description of a human. Take
away all the superficial gender construction and roles and this would
sound like a decent foundation for a human being. Personality, style,
roles, interests and all that stuff that makes us unique is like the
gorgeous icing on the cake. But a solid base? That’s the yummiest bit.
So, basically, what makes a good woman? The same thing that makes a good human!
- Integrity. They work towards being an integrated, whole person by
dealing with their crap on an individual and committed basis, and by not
dumping it on anyone else. Part of this work means knowing and
accepting their own flaws, and understanding that being human means
being imperfect.
- Respect. They appreciate that others are whole,
integrated people who are on their own journey, and that they will also
have flaws, because being human means nobody is perfect.
- Good
boundaries. They know where they end and someone else begins. They also
know what’s good for them (well, most of the time) and can say a healthy
‘no’.
Sounds too good to be true? I am on the lookout to prove otherwise!
By Karly Rauchelle
Suicide is one of the leading causes of death in Australia. It is difficult to provide an accurate
representation of exactly how many people die of suicide each year In
Australia. Official statistics hover
around over 2,000 deaths per year, but there are agencies that suspect the
number to be more around 8000. The discrepancy
in numbers is due to coronial complications; sometimes state or cultural laws
will affect a case being declared suicide, and sometimes it is unclear (as in
the case of car accidents etc.) whether a death was intentional or not.
Authorities have been reluctant to talk about suicide in the
past because they are scared that talking about suicide will increase awareness
and then more people will kill themselves. Thankfully there are some groups out there
getting stronger and stronger when it comes to talking about, and dealing with,
suicide (see some of these groups on the list below).
It is often assumed that mental illness is the cause of
someone wanting to kill themselves, but that is not always the case. People take their own lives over financial or
relationship problems, drug use, issues with work, bullying, and self-image,
just to name a few. Statistically
speaking, one of the biggest risk factors is just being male! Almost 80% of people killing themselves are men,
and most of those are young. Men around the world are taking themselves out in
the prime of their lives, leaving everyone around them devastated.
SO, YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT KILLING YOURSELF…
Just because you are thinking about taking your own life it
doesn’t mean you will, or that you have to, but it can’t be ignored that
suicidal thoughts can lead to death. Let’s discuss some of the realities about
what you are thinking of doing.
- When you kill yourself you actually die. You will be dead. That’s it. You are no longer alive.
- If you think ‘they will be better off without
me’ you are deluding yourself. People
who are left behind by suicide are devastated. Not only do they have to go through the
excruciating process of ‘normal’ grieving, but on top of that they experience
intense feelings of shock, guilt, anger, blame, abandonment, and so much more. Survivors will often torture themselves with
never-ending games of ‘what if’. Your
partner will blame themselves and beat themselves up for being angry with you
for leaving them to clean up your mess.
Your family and friends will recount every moment they had with you
thinking they should have known, and could have stopped you. Your kids will wonder why they weren’t worth
sticking around for and will also feel responsible for not stopping you. Nobody you leave behind will think you did
them a favour, and they would give everything in a heartbeat to have you back.
- Somebody has to deal with everything you’ve left
behind. Someone has to pay your bills, raise your kids, sort through your
things, try to explain what you’ve done and why. Usually while they are dealing with their own
anguish at losing you in such a violent way. Grief does crazy things to people, and your
partner, or parents, or whoever was closest to you could end up wearing the
blame for your death. People have been driven out of town, out of their homes,
in this way.
- Killing yourself has a ripple effect. People who barely knew you will blame
themselves and think they could have done something to stop you. Many people will think of taking their own
lives because the pain of your leaving is so intense, and some of those will do
it. Suicide also has a way of running in
families through generations.
- Someone has to find your body. Yes, your body. Because you will be dead. The loved one who finds you will have that
image in their mind every time they think of you, which will be all of the
time. If you do a thorough job of making
sure no-one can stop you killing yourself you might be missing for a while, and
the longer you are missing the longer your body has a chance to decompose. Someone has to see that. Finding your body
will traumatise someone. That is
guaranteed.
- You want to kill yourself because you can see no
way out of how you feel, but what if a way out was coming in 5 minutes, in a
day, in a week or even a year? Suicide
is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Cheesy but true. Many survivors of suicide attempts get to see
through that moment where everything seemed so hopeless. They get to see that it passed like any other
moment. How many moments are you giving up by ending your life early?
- You want to kill yourself because you think your
life is bad. I hate to be the one to
break it to you but there are people all over this word who are going through
much worse than you, many more times than you, and they don’t kill themselves. Please have some respect.
It is hard for me to hide my anger on this topic because I
have survived someone who suicided, and it’s not fun. Actually, my husband’s suicide in 2011 was
devastating. He left me, three kids, and
everything he’d accumulated in his life, including a business that needed
taking care of and a will that was declared invalid. He also left his heartbroken family and a heap
of traumatised friends. I miss my
husband, and I miss that I can’t miss him without feeling angry. Please don’t do this to the people you love.
SAVE YOURSELF!
There are things you can do to survive if you feel suicidal
- Recognise
that you are thinking about killing yourself. Be honest with yourself. Remember suicide is a major killer in our
society – take it seriously if you are thinking about killing yourself! It is important to act now while you are still
rational.
- Tell
someone. Many people may not be
equipped to deal with what you are telling them and they might try to laugh it
off, smooth it over, or ignore it. This
does not mean they are not good friends, they just don’t know how to deal with
suicide because our society doesn’t acknowledge it openly. Keep talking to people until you find someone
who understands the depth of what you are saying. If you can’t find a friend or family member
who will take what you’re saying seriously find professional support in a
doctor, therapist or counsellor. Be
honest about ways you have thought about killing yourself, and talk about any
tools you may have collected to follow it through.
- Don’t be
alone if thoughts of killing yourself are intensifying. If you don’t feel like you have anyone to be
with call a crisis line or even a hospital. Just go and be somewhere public where there
are lots of other people around if you have to.
- Don’t
take drugs or drink alcohol, or do anything else that could alter your
state of mind (like watching depressing or violent movies, or contacting
someone who you have conflict with for example). If you don’t feel like you can stop using
drugs or alcohol find someone who can help you do that. If you don’t feel like you can find someone,
find someone who can find someone for you. Suicide is a serious side-effect of drugs.
- Assemble
a team. Find a good doctor who can
oversee you on a course of medication, like antidepressants if you need them,
and a therapist you feel comfortable with. Decide on a few people close to you who you
can talk honestly with while you get through this hard time.
- Hand it
over. Admit you are going through a
really bad point in your life and that you might not be the best one to deal
with it right now. If you had cancer you
would accept help from doctors, and this is no different; experiencing suicidal
thoughts is a condition that is OFTEN terminal. You don’t have to be mentally ill to be
suicidal, but you have to acknowledge that you probably don’t have your best
interests at heart if you are thinking of killing yourself. Give yourself a
chance and let other people help you this time.
- Try to
think of the people in your life. Even
if you think you have no one who cares, there will be people who will be
devastated, often beyond repair, if you kill yourself. If you can’t find any love for yourself in
this moment please try and think about your family and friends, your partner, your
kids, your workmates, your neighbours…please try and help yourself for them. Just until you start to feel like wanting to
live for yourself again.
- Have a
plan. When you can feel that you are
getting low, and suicidal thoughts are coming up, use the team you have put
together, avoid making yourself more vulnerable by using drugs or alcohol, call
crisis lines, look up the websites listed below, don’t be alone. Use your plan to get you through until the
urge to hurt yourself passes. It will pass! Death will not.
IF YOU THINK SOMEONE
YOU KNOW MIGHT BE SUICIDAL…
- Ask them!
And don’t tiptoe around the subject.
Say straight up, “are you thinking of
killing yourself?” Using direct language
is important, because you are dealing with life and death.
- Stay with
them! It’s scary to hear someone you
care about say they want to die, but you need to stay and LISTEN to what’s
going on for them. Don’t tell them they
don’t mean it, or that they should think positively, or any other bullshit like
that. Just listen, and try not to judge
(or at least try not to let them know you are judging).
- Ask them
if they have a plan. If they have
thought about how to do it you can bet they are probably a bit serious.
- Ask them
if they have the tools. If they have
assembled a ‘kit’, or picked a destination then you need to take action now.
- Keep them
safe. Stay with them, or ask them to
hand over the ‘tools’ until you can get some help from a doctor or someone else
you can trust.
- Make a
contract. Ask them to promise you
not to do anything for 24 hours, or until you check in with them again.
- Follow
up. See how they are the next day,
and ask them if they have started seeking help. Perhaps help them to start
looking for help.
LINKS
KARLY’S STORY
At 36 my husband looked like he had it all. He almost owned his house and was financially secure enough to have anything he desired. He had left the oil and gas industry to start his own business in something he was passionate about. He had built a rich leisure life that involved racing (cars and bikes), dancing, cooking… he was so multi-talented and tried anything at least once. He was the only person I had ever met that could put a crème caramel in the oven and go and fix a set of brakes while it was cooking. He had a step-daughter he adored, and we had a son together before we got married in November 2010. He dressed in Armani for our wedding. I loved how he could be equally comfortable in a tailor made suit as he was in a ripped pair of Hard Yakka shorts. He was funny and charismatic. He was extremely intelligent. No-one could believe it when, after being missing for two weeks in January 2011, his body was found hanging from a tree in some bushland twenty minutes from home. There were 300 people at his funeral. The shock was palpable. I am here at MAN because I am concerned with the secret life of men. My husband wore a mask and didn’t let that slip for anybody. I don’t want my son to live in a world that supports, or even demands, him wearing a mask. When I think of the pressure my husband felt like he was under to be perfect, strong, successful, and all kinds of other ‘manly’ traits it scares me. I feel so sad for him that he had become so empty. I feel scared for my son. We need to support a new kind of manhood, where men can live authentically, and women and children can stop being victims to such a fractured masculinity. Women are being left to raise kids by themselves. These kids are growing up without knowing what a good man is. Boys are being raised in ways that make them shut down, and they have no model of how to be an integrated man. Girls have no example to be able to recognise one. I want to be involved in stopping the cycle of absent male leadership for my son, for my daughters (my husband never knew we had successfully conceived after trying to get pregnant after our wedding), for myself, and for the widows and widowers who come to my website who are raising kids alone. After my husband’s death I started a website for widows and widowers in an attempt to not feel so isolated (http://www.widowswidowersunited.com). Eventually I would like to extend the site to include resources for bereaved people to use to help ‘fill the gap’ in the horrible first stages of grief. Roles that husbands and wives, mums and dads filled while they were alive, where now there are gaping holes. I’m not sure yet how to do it, but I think bringing men and women together to help each other in this capacity could be very healing. Karly R.
November 2011
LETTING GO
A few weeks ago, both my young daughters were to receive awards at the school’s end-of-term presentation assembly. However, I really wanted to attend a meeting of Women at MAN and I was just about to cancel it when I realised that I really wanted to be there, even more than at the girls’ assembly.
I let go.
I allowed my husband to delight in being the one at the assembly. To be the one to come home with the news of the event, to be the one proudly showing the photos of the girls receiving their awards. I loved being the one who wasn’t there for a change, loved the different way of enjoying the event through other eyes. Even the girls’ accounts of the day seemed different. And of course they would be, because their father was with them this time.
As simple and obvious a solution as that may sound, it was pivotal in me beginning to allow my husband the space to be the man he is. To allow him the space to do things his way, not mine. Not by my standards or following my desires and even attempting my outcomes.
By allowing it, his actions are validated and so he is strengthened by them. By allowing it, I open myself to surprise regarding his actions, rather than limiting outcomes with my efforts at control.
This is a work in progress. It is a lesson for me in trust; trusting myself to respond lovingly to his actions, trusting that his intentions are for the best, and placing ultimate trust in God that no matter how wrong we get it, it is all still okay.
I want my husband to step up but for him to do this, I have to make room for him by stepping away, speaking words that build up rather than minimise, and knowing when to keep silent.
As I step out and become more of who I am, so I allow others to be more of who they are.
(Name withheld)
November 2011
WHERE ARE ALL THE GOOD MEN?
Susan Holtmeulen – PRESIDENT Waratah Woman Australia
Bringing Transformational Work for Women to Australia
After too many years of being in conflict in relationship with my ‘significant other’ I ended yet another long term relationship feeling exhausted, disappointed and grief stricken as I dissolved all our shared dreams and goals.
Walking briskly one warm spring day deep in contemplation I caught a thought as it crossed my consciousness, “all men are physically and emotionally unavailable”. OMG! I can’t believe I have been carting this belief around; the weight of it was immense. I realised what was required as I quickly set about focusing on all the amazing men in my life, the ones who are emotionally and physically available, men who engage with me openly and freely, the men in my life who ‘care’. I became immersed in my quest and it wasn’t long before I was pointing out these lovely men to my two sons.
It was time to take all this admiration to a new level and manifest many of these approachable men in the daily happenings of my life, not just on the periphery. I wrote with much sincerity in my wish book, “I AM surrounded by heart-centred men, with whom I have happy healthy relationships”.
Meanwhile I had been receiving intermittent phone calls from a male friend whom I had know for 26 years, who was world weary, suffering from bouts of depression and ‘never ever getting involved with a woman with children ever again.’ After 18 months of disjointed communication we decide to attend a performance together and share pizza in the park. With my new outlook on all things masculine I saw a heart-centred man who was feeling battered after a tumultuous separation.
It wasn’t long before I knew I had feelings for this man that required exploring. He had been right under my nose for many years and as something had changed within me I saw him through new eyes. After a very intimate and deliberately aware courtship of ten months my partner proposed at a secluded beach on Rottnest Island. As with our courtship we both felt quite strange as there was no ‘drama, emotional turmoil or tantrums’ from either of us throughout our twelve month engagement, as each of us took full responsibility for what was being triggered within ourselves.
In the early days of our blossoming relationship my now husband organised a fund raiser for Prostate Cancer awareness at a quaint city theatre to promote an independent movie ‘Men’s Group’. Standing in the foyer I was surrounded by hundreds of men talking, laughing, hugging and enjoying each others company and came to realise I am in the midst of a burning desire manifest into warm, welcomed reality.
What I came to experience was more and more heart-centred men in my life on many levels at work, in social circles and in chance meetings and I began to notice this attribute in the men I knew. My two brothers became tender toward me, speaking honestly in a subtly gentle manner. I came to realise that from an early age I had felt nervous around my father always wanting approval from him so that I may feel whole, when what was required was some heart centred tenderness on may part. I often felt he wasn’t attentive but now question that perception and find I have more space within me to love my father as he is.
The experience was profound and incredibly telling about the effect my core beliefs were having on my day to day interaction with men. If I believe that men are not available then I am going to continue to see that in all men, no exceptions! When I chose to see the care and love men are capable of sharing through the love from my own heart, my relationships with men are transformed. This transformation transpired WITHIN ME, it was not an external change but a deep held core belief that was separating me from whole, happy relationships with beautiful heart-centred men that were there before me.
Any man, who did not come within this field of genuine love and care for himself and the people around him, would disappear out of my range of experience.
I have had the pleasure of being invited to my husband's men’s group and sat in circle on open night to experience the same exhilarating sensation of being surrounded by youth and elders, big and small, hairy and bald, beautiful, open-hearted men and I shall return again and again to engage in happy healthy relationships.
October 2011
A GOOD WOMAN
By Karly Rauchelle
I
have been thinking about what makes a good woman. What does she look
like? What does she act like? How does she function in a relationship?
Personally,
I have been asking lately – “who the hell would get married??”. Having
just come out of a marriage (well ok, I didn’t really “come out of” it,
my husband died) it’s a real eye opener for me to see just how much
compromising has to go on in a relationship. People can’t seem to make
decisions on their own, they have to ask their partner and get back to
me. Or it seems to be a constant battle for control, or even for
self-respect.
I hired a handyman once. One day he was a perfectly
capable man, doing the job I hired him to do, making decent
conversation, just being normal. The next day he brought his wife with
him. All of a sudden he couldn’t speak for himself. His wife asserted
herself as being ‘in charge’ straight away, informing me of when they
would be leaving (when he had told me the day before he was staying
until the job was done). His posture was visibly slumped compared to
the day before. When I offered him coffee (which he loved the day
before) his wife cut in and answered for him, saying they had their own
food and drinks. When it came time to wind up our business arrangement
and talk about payment she stepped in and refused to let me talk to him.
In the end she undercut him over $100.00 because she said what I
offered was too much.
Why do women do this to their men? And why do men put up with it?
We
see it in sit-coms all the time. The women who continuously correct or
parent their partner; “honey don’t say that”, “you don’t need to eat
that”, “say hello when you’re spoken to”, “why are you ordering that?”,
and on and on it goes. It’s everywhere in real life too, and it’s seen
as normal. Imagine how uncomfortable it would be going out for dinner
with a couple when the man acts like this towards his female partner?
He would be seen as being abusive. But when a woman is over-controlling
it’s ‘normal’.
Some women seem to complain that their men won’t
“do” anything, but are the first to badger and hover until “doing”
becomes unbearable for the person they are trying to control and so they
stop trying to do things.
Then there are the women who constantly
put men down. They make jokes about men in front of their friends,
partners and sons, “typical man”, “men are pigs”, “he’s not the sharpest
tool in the shed but he can lift heavy things”. Our culture accepts,
and even encourages, man bashing.
Wives control what men say, what
they do, when they do it, and who they do it with. Is this what makes a
successful marriage? I held back on a lot of what I really wanted to
say about things my husband did. My husband took his own life after we
argued about him using drugs. He used ecstasy one Friday night and
killed himself on Monday after a weekend of tension. If I had have
‘kept him on a leash’ and demanded he’d stayed home with me and the kids
that Friday night would we still be going strong? Would he still be
alive?
Is it a woman’s role to parent and control their male
partner? Are women forced to behave like their partner’s mother
because men are just not capable of being sensible or responsible? I am
looking around for examples to help me answer these questions, but all I
see is a repeat of the same weird relationship patterns.
So, a
portrait of a good woman is something I might have to pull out of thin
air. I would like to think that a good woman is the same as a good man.
Secure in herself, with a commitment to knowing herself and working
out any ‘kinks’ (like we will all always have) in a responsible way
without dumping them on her partner. She knows that she is responsible
for her own happiness, and knows how to ask for what she wants in a
clear way without being aggressive, passive aggressive, or sulky.
In
a relationship she can support her partner, and isn’t threatened by his
happiness. She doesn’t try to change her partner, because she knows
that nobody is perfect, and because she has chosen wisely in the first
place and knows that essentially her man is aligned with her values.
She trusts him for this reason as well. She understands that her
partner is an individual, not an extension of herself, and that he is
fully capable of making his own decisions, speaking for himself, cooking
and cleaning for himself, and contributing to the household and the
family in his own way. She respects him as a father and gives him space
to parent how he wants to, even if it’s different to how she parents.
She
is not a Stepford Wife; she is her own person, with her own passions.
She is not a slave; she doesn’t drive herself to the edge of a nervous
breakdown by martyring herself and claiming to be able to do everything
alone. Mrs Goodwoman is not a doormat, and can put a boundary down
while still being respectful. If she does err on the side of irrational
(because she is human) she can apologise without self-destructing. She
is accepting of her dark side, and comfortable with her own
vulnerability, and lets her partner in when either of them needs
intimacy.
To me, this would be a great description of a human. Take
away all the superficial gender construction and roles and this would
sound like a decent foundation for a human being. Personality, style,
roles, interests and all that stuff that makes us unique is like the
gorgeous icing on the cake. But a solid base? That’s the yummiest bit.
So, basically, what makes a good woman? The same thing that makes a good human!
- Integrity. They work towards being an integrated, whole person by
dealing with their crap on an individual and committed basis, and by not
dumping it on anyone else. Part of this work means knowing and
accepting their own flaws, and understanding that being human means
being imperfect.
- Respect. They appreciate that others are whole,
integrated people who are on their own journey, and that they will also
have flaws, because being human means nobody is perfect.
- Good
boundaries. They know where they end and someone else begins. They also
know what’s good for them (well, most of the time) and can say a healthy
‘no’.
Sounds too good to be true? I am on the lookout to prove otherwise!
By Karly Rauchelle
Suicide is one of the leading causes of death in Australia. It is difficult to provide an accurate
representation of exactly how many people die of suicide each year In
Australia. Official statistics hover
around over 2,000 deaths per year, but there are agencies that suspect the
number to be more around 8000. The discrepancy
in numbers is due to coronial complications; sometimes state or cultural laws
will affect a case being declared suicide, and sometimes it is unclear (as in
the case of car accidents etc.) whether a death was intentional or not.
Authorities have been reluctant to talk about suicide in the
past because they are scared that talking about suicide will increase awareness
and then more people will kill themselves. Thankfully there are some groups out there
getting stronger and stronger when it comes to talking about, and dealing with,
suicide (see some of these groups on the list below).
It is often assumed that mental illness is the cause of
someone wanting to kill themselves, but that is not always the case. People take their own lives over financial or
relationship problems, drug use, issues with work, bullying, and self-image,
just to name a few. Statistically
speaking, one of the biggest risk factors is just being male! Almost 80% of people killing themselves are men,
and most of those are young. Men around the world are taking themselves out in
the prime of their lives, leaving everyone around them devastated.
SO, YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT KILLING YOURSELF…
Just because you are thinking about taking your own life it
doesn’t mean you will, or that you have to, but it can’t be ignored that
suicidal thoughts can lead to death. Let’s discuss some of the realities about
what you are thinking of doing.
- When you kill yourself you actually die. You will be dead. That’s it. You are no longer alive.
- If you think ‘they will be better off without
me’ you are deluding yourself. People
who are left behind by suicide are devastated. Not only do they have to go through the
excruciating process of ‘normal’ grieving, but on top of that they experience
intense feelings of shock, guilt, anger, blame, abandonment, and so much more. Survivors will often torture themselves with
never-ending games of ‘what if’. Your
partner will blame themselves and beat themselves up for being angry with you
for leaving them to clean up your mess.
Your family and friends will recount every moment they had with you
thinking they should have known, and could have stopped you. Your kids will wonder why they weren’t worth
sticking around for and will also feel responsible for not stopping you. Nobody you leave behind will think you did
them a favour, and they would give everything in a heartbeat to have you back.
- Somebody has to deal with everything you’ve left
behind. Someone has to pay your bills, raise your kids, sort through your
things, try to explain what you’ve done and why. Usually while they are dealing with their own
anguish at losing you in such a violent way. Grief does crazy things to people, and your
partner, or parents, or whoever was closest to you could end up wearing the
blame for your death. People have been driven out of town, out of their homes,
in this way.
- Killing yourself has a ripple effect. People who barely knew you will blame
themselves and think they could have done something to stop you. Many people will think of taking their own
lives because the pain of your leaving is so intense, and some of those will do
it. Suicide also has a way of running in
families through generations.
- Someone has to find your body. Yes, your body. Because you will be dead. The loved one who finds you will have that
image in their mind every time they think of you, which will be all of the
time. If you do a thorough job of making
sure no-one can stop you killing yourself you might be missing for a while, and
the longer you are missing the longer your body has a chance to decompose. Someone has to see that. Finding your body
will traumatise someone. That is
guaranteed.
- You want to kill yourself because you can see no
way out of how you feel, but what if a way out was coming in 5 minutes, in a
day, in a week or even a year? Suicide
is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Cheesy but true. Many survivors of suicide attempts get to see
through that moment where everything seemed so hopeless. They get to see that it passed like any other
moment. How many moments are you giving up by ending your life early?
- You want to kill yourself because you think your
life is bad. I hate to be the one to
break it to you but there are people all over this word who are going through
much worse than you, many more times than you, and they don’t kill themselves. Please have some respect.
It is hard for me to hide my anger on this topic because I
have survived someone who suicided, and it’s not fun. Actually, my husband’s suicide in 2011 was
devastating. He left me, three kids, and
everything he’d accumulated in his life, including a business that needed
taking care of and a will that was declared invalid. He also left his heartbroken family and a heap
of traumatised friends. I miss my
husband, and I miss that I can’t miss him without feeling angry. Please don’t do this to the people you love.
SAVE YOURSELF!
There are things you can do to survive if you feel suicidal
- Recognise
that you are thinking about killing yourself. Be honest with yourself. Remember suicide is a major killer in our
society – take it seriously if you are thinking about killing yourself! It is important to act now while you are still
rational.
- Tell
someone. Many people may not be
equipped to deal with what you are telling them and they might try to laugh it
off, smooth it over, or ignore it. This
does not mean they are not good friends, they just don’t know how to deal with
suicide because our society doesn’t acknowledge it openly. Keep talking to people until you find someone
who understands the depth of what you are saying. If you can’t find a friend or family member
who will take what you’re saying seriously find professional support in a
doctor, therapist or counsellor. Be
honest about ways you have thought about killing yourself, and talk about any
tools you may have collected to follow it through.
- Don’t be
alone if thoughts of killing yourself are intensifying. If you don’t feel like you have anyone to be
with call a crisis line or even a hospital. Just go and be somewhere public where there
are lots of other people around if you have to.
- Don’t
take drugs or drink alcohol, or do anything else that could alter your
state of mind (like watching depressing or violent movies, or contacting
someone who you have conflict with for example). If you don’t feel like you can stop using
drugs or alcohol find someone who can help you do that. If you don’t feel like you can find someone,
find someone who can find someone for you. Suicide is a serious side-effect of drugs.
- Assemble
a team. Find a good doctor who can
oversee you on a course of medication, like antidepressants if you need them,
and a therapist you feel comfortable with. Decide on a few people close to you who you
can talk honestly with while you get through this hard time.
- Hand it
over. Admit you are going through a
really bad point in your life and that you might not be the best one to deal
with it right now. If you had cancer you
would accept help from doctors, and this is no different; experiencing suicidal
thoughts is a condition that is OFTEN terminal. You don’t have to be mentally ill to be
suicidal, but you have to acknowledge that you probably don’t have your best
interests at heart if you are thinking of killing yourself. Give yourself a
chance and let other people help you this time.
- Try to
think of the people in your life. Even
if you think you have no one who cares, there will be people who will be
devastated, often beyond repair, if you kill yourself. If you can’t find any love for yourself in
this moment please try and think about your family and friends, your partner, your
kids, your workmates, your neighbours…please try and help yourself for them. Just until you start to feel like wanting to
live for yourself again.
- Have a
plan. When you can feel that you are
getting low, and suicidal thoughts are coming up, use the team you have put
together, avoid making yourself more vulnerable by using drugs or alcohol, call
crisis lines, look up the websites listed below, don’t be alone. Use your plan to get you through until the
urge to hurt yourself passes. It will pass! Death will not.
IF YOU THINK SOMEONE
YOU KNOW MIGHT BE SUICIDAL…
- Ask them!
And don’t tiptoe around the subject.
Say straight up, “are you thinking of
killing yourself?” Using direct language
is important, because you are dealing with life and death.
- Stay with
them! It’s scary to hear someone you
care about say they want to die, but you need to stay and LISTEN to what’s
going on for them. Don’t tell them they
don’t mean it, or that they should think positively, or any other bullshit like
that. Just listen, and try not to judge
(or at least try not to let them know you are judging).
- Ask them
if they have a plan. If they have
thought about how to do it you can bet they are probably a bit serious.
- Ask them
if they have the tools. If they have
assembled a ‘kit’, or picked a destination then you need to take action now.
- Keep them
safe. Stay with them, or ask them to
hand over the ‘tools’ until you can get some help from a doctor or someone else
you can trust.
- Make a
contract. Ask them to promise you
not to do anything for 24 hours, or until you check in with them again.
- Follow
up. See how they are the next day,
and ask them if they have started seeking help. Perhaps help them to start
looking for help.
LINKS
KARLY’S STORY
At 36 my husband looked like he had it all. He almost owned his house and was financially secure enough to have anything he desired. He had left the oil and gas industry to start his own business in something he was passionate about. He had built a rich leisure life that involved racing (cars and bikes), dancing, cooking… he was so multi-talented and tried anything at least once. He was the only person I had ever met that could put a crème caramel in the oven and go and fix a set of brakes while it was cooking. He had a step-daughter he adored, and we had a son together before we got married in November 2010. He dressed in Armani for our wedding. I loved how he could be equally comfortable in a tailor made suit as he was in a ripped pair of Hard Yakka shorts. He was funny and charismatic. He was extremely intelligent. No-one could believe it when, after being missing for two weeks in January 2011, his body was found hanging from a tree in some bushland twenty minutes from home. There were 300 people at his funeral. The shock was palpable. I am here at MAN because I am concerned with the secret life of men. My husband wore a mask and didn’t let that slip for anybody. I don’t want my son to live in a world that supports, or even demands, him wearing a mask. When I think of the pressure my husband felt like he was under to be perfect, strong, successful, and all kinds of other ‘manly’ traits it scares me. I feel so sad for him that he had become so empty. I feel scared for my son. We need to support a new kind of manhood, where men can live authentically, and women and children can stop being victims to such a fractured masculinity. Women are being left to raise kids by themselves. These kids are growing up without knowing what a good man is. Boys are being raised in ways that make them shut down, and they have no model of how to be an integrated man. Girls have no example to be able to recognise one. I want to be involved in stopping the cycle of absent male leadership for my son, for my daughters (my husband never knew we had successfully conceived after trying to get pregnant after our wedding), for myself, and for the widows and widowers who come to my website who are raising kids alone. After my husband’s death I started a website for widows and widowers in an attempt to not feel so isolated (http://www.widowswidowersunited.com). Eventually I would like to extend the site to include resources for bereaved people to use to help ‘fill the gap’ in the horrible first stages of grief. Roles that husbands and wives, mums and dads filled while they were alive, where now there are gaping holes. I’m not sure yet how to do it, but I think bringing men and women together to help each other in this capacity could be very healing. Karly R.
November 2011
LETTING GO
A few weeks ago, both my young daughters were to receive awards at the school’s end-of-term presentation assembly. However, I really wanted to attend a meeting of Women at MAN and I was just about to cancel it when I realised that I really wanted to be there, even more than at the girls’ assembly.
I let go.
I allowed my husband to delight in being the one at the assembly. To be the one to come home with the news of the event, to be the one proudly showing the photos of the girls receiving their awards. I loved being the one who wasn’t there for a change, loved the different way of enjoying the event through other eyes. Even the girls’ accounts of the day seemed different. And of course they would be, because their father was with them this time.
As simple and obvious a solution as that may sound, it was pivotal in me beginning to allow my husband the space to be the man he is. To allow him the space to do things his way, not mine. Not by my standards or following my desires and even attempting my outcomes.
By allowing it, his actions are validated and so he is strengthened by them. By allowing it, I open myself to surprise regarding his actions, rather than limiting outcomes with my efforts at control.
This is a work in progress. It is a lesson for me in trust; trusting myself to respond lovingly to his actions, trusting that his intentions are for the best, and placing ultimate trust in God that no matter how wrong we get it, it is all still okay.
I want my husband to step up but for him to do this, I have to make room for him by stepping away, speaking words that build up rather than minimise, and knowing when to keep silent.
As I step out and become more of who I am, so I allow others to be more of who they are.
(Name withheld)
November 2011
WHERE ARE ALL THE GOOD MEN?
Susan Holtmeulen – PRESIDENT Waratah Woman Australia
Bringing Transformational Work for Women to Australia
After too many years of being in conflict in relationship with my ‘significant other’ I ended yet another long term relationship feeling exhausted, disappointed and grief stricken as I dissolved all our shared dreams and goals.
Walking briskly one warm spring day deep in contemplation I caught a thought as it crossed my consciousness, “all men are physically and emotionally unavailable”. OMG! I can’t believe I have been carting this belief around; the weight of it was immense. I realised what was required as I quickly set about focusing on all the amazing men in my life, the ones who are emotionally and physically available, men who engage with me openly and freely, the men in my life who ‘care’. I became immersed in my quest and it wasn’t long before I was pointing out these lovely men to my two sons.
It was time to take all this admiration to a new level and manifest many of these approachable men in the daily happenings of my life, not just on the periphery. I wrote with much sincerity in my wish book, “I AM surrounded by heart-centred men, with whom I have happy healthy relationships”.
Meanwhile I had been receiving intermittent phone calls from a male friend whom I had know for 26 years, who was world weary, suffering from bouts of depression and ‘never ever getting involved with a woman with children ever again.’ After 18 months of disjointed communication we decide to attend a performance together and share pizza in the park. With my new outlook on all things masculine I saw a heart-centred man who was feeling battered after a tumultuous separation.
It wasn’t long before I knew I had feelings for this man that required exploring. He had been right under my nose for many years and as something had changed within me I saw him through new eyes. After a very intimate and deliberately aware courtship of ten months my partner proposed at a secluded beach on Rottnest Island. As with our courtship we both felt quite strange as there was no ‘drama, emotional turmoil or tantrums’ from either of us throughout our twelve month engagement, as each of us took full responsibility for what was being triggered within ourselves.
In the early days of our blossoming relationship my now husband organised a fund raiser for Prostate Cancer awareness at a quaint city theatre to promote an independent movie ‘Men’s Group’. Standing in the foyer I was surrounded by hundreds of men talking, laughing, hugging and enjoying each others company and came to realise I am in the midst of a burning desire manifest into warm, welcomed reality.
What I came to experience was more and more heart-centred men in my life on many levels at work, in social circles and in chance meetings and I began to notice this attribute in the men I knew. My two brothers became tender toward me, speaking honestly in a subtly gentle manner. I came to realise that from an early age I had felt nervous around my father always wanting approval from him so that I may feel whole, when what was required was some heart centred tenderness on may part. I often felt he wasn’t attentive but now question that perception and find I have more space within me to love my father as he is.
The experience was profound and incredibly telling about the effect my core beliefs were having on my day to day interaction with men. If I believe that men are not available then I am going to continue to see that in all men, no exceptions! When I chose to see the care and love men are capable of sharing through the love from my own heart, my relationships with men are transformed. This transformation transpired WITHIN ME, it was not an external change but a deep held core belief that was separating me from whole, happy relationships with beautiful heart-centred men that were there before me.
Any man, who did not come within this field of genuine love and care for himself and the people around him, would disappear out of my range of experience.
I have had the pleasure of being invited to my husband's men’s group and sat in circle on open night to experience the same exhilarating sensation of being surrounded by youth and elders, big and small, hairy and bald, beautiful, open-hearted men and I shall return again and again to engage in happy healthy relationships.
October 2011
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